my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
