I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
