I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
