i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Can I color on your dick again?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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