Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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