I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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