Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
