Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
