She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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