Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Your penis caused this!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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