I think i peed on brittanys purse
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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