I skipped work to stalk him.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
