He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize