Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I cut my penus on the lid.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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