I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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