I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
