No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
