you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
When are your genitals available?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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