College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize