A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Enjoy the penises
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
