I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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