So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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