one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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