I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
