she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
