He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
