Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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