Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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