Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Can vaginas get frostbite?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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