I want to stick my p in your. b.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
