The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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