i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
