I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
