I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
