woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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