Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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