Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
