I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
