if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
