Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
