in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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