My hand turned me down
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
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