Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
