Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
