a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
