I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
