i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
