I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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