anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
