Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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