Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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