he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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