This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
