we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
